The quality of sex must be like a bell curve. On the high end you’ve got to be doing something to push those boundaries on a regular basis or really get into kinks and fantasies. On the low end you may really suck at turning on your spouse or have a spouse who’s very low desire. Most of us will end up right in the fat middle part of “average” sex, with most slightly above or slightly below over any period of time. Now “average” sex is still pretty good, but nothing especially memorable. Hopefully you aren’t average or having average frequency. Either end of the spectrum (either really bad or really good) can be quite memorable too, as some of the categories I’ll describe below. Overall, these are the types of marital sex that I’m envisioning most have.
Maintenance Sex – You’re busy with working all day, taking the kids to soccer practice, making dinner, cleaning the house, and finally getting the kids to bed. You’re both exhausted but one of you needs to have that physical bond or physical release, and the other person obliges out of love for you primarily and to satisfy your animal urges. We’ve all been there, many of us are wrapped up with various responsibilities and activities it’s hard to connect as a couple, but this is still necessary, even mid-week. Kissing isn’t necessary, nor is foreplay, though lube is recommended since the clock is ticking and there’s no time to pre-heat the oven. This type of sex is a one-position deal, is ok once in awhile and provides a bare minimum of sexual subsistence. One or both of you are passed out cold within five minutes after cleanup occurs.
The Quickie – “Honey, the kids are playing nicely downstairs with Lincoln Logs, if we hurry, we can lock the door and be done before they even realize we’re not there!” or “You have five minutes to get done before I have to get showered and dressed for work”. These can be fun, especially if you have little cock-blockers running around the house, simply for the excitement needed to get in, out and on with life.
Drunk Sex – These can go one of two ways 1) TOTALLY AWESOME!= All inhibitions thrown out the door. Want to stick something in her butt and haven’t felt comfortable to discuss this while you’re both sober? Now’s your opportunity to grab the lube and see what happens. 2) TOTALLY SUCKY! = they don’t call it whiskey dick for nothing! Or one minute your wife is talking all hot and sultry and the next minute she’s sawing logs, perhaps with you inside her, or worse yet, throwing up.
Different Location at Home Sex – The kids are with Grandma, we have the whole house to ourselves! Roll out that blanket in front of the roaring fireplace, or put on an adult film in the living room with some underblanket touchy-feely for a change of pace. This can be pretty hot since the change of scenery alone is exciting and way better than the hum-drum of vanilla bedroom sex. Push her up against the washing machine or head to the guest bedroom and pretend you’re at a B&B for awhile, a vacation in the house!
Public Sex – Doesn’t have to be P in V sex, but a little under the table action, or action in the back of the empty move theater is always a good time. It’s pretty hard to find secluded spaces to actually have sex as married couples where you’re not going to get into too much trouble, and I’m certainly hoping people share some ideas here as this is one of those where I’m sure people do it (maybe not so much after their married) but aren’t sure how to pull it off assuming you’re out childless for the day/night. I know Ponyboy has some about mountain biking and camping stories that are entertaining, but what about the rest of you horndogs?
Silly Sex – Holly and I had one of these recently, just could not stop the silly vibe. Laughing and talking while in the act (Me: “Grab my butt!” Her: “I can’t, your butt is too big!” [Author's note: I love my ever expanding butt - squats and whole milk make it strong!]; Dum-Dum all up in our business, it was a debacle and absolutely, totally hilarious. I’m just glad Dum-Dum didn’t try to lick my ass. Sometimes the vibe is just funny, it happens! Roll with it, laugh and enjoy this one, it doesn’t happen too often!
Weekend Sex – Husband and wife are both more relaxed, there’s some verbal banter and foreplay throughout the day, you both know it’s on like Donkey Kong. A glass or three of wine, some happy vibes going on as you’re getting warmed up. Then it’s fun time, usually pretty solid and often the time where the bedroom boundaries are expanded like a rubberband (a little at a time) and if all goes well, both parties pass out in an exhausted puddle at the end of the night.
Role Playing/Bondage/Fantasy Sex – While this can be sprung by the wife (role playing) rarely by the husband, it is usually the kind of sex that takes discussion and planning. However, when done right, this can and usually is totally awesome. Do you like the nurse and man in a coma (or prefer the Dr.)? What about the pilot and flight attendant? Time to break out those scarves and blindfold like 50 Shades. This kind of married sex takes good communication, some balls if you haven’t discussed this before and a trusting partner who’s willing to try and move up to the upper end of the bell curve.
Vacation Sex – This can fall into two categories: with kids and without. With kids, if they have their own room, this can simply be a variation of Weekend Sex but in a new location. If the kids don’t have their own room, it’s sort of like sneaking, quiet, quickie sex under the covers with the kids one bed over. I’m not sure we’ve actually ever done the sneaky, quickie, but if we haven’t, the thought’s sure crossed my mind and I’m sure happens frequently enough. For those lucky vacations without kids, this can be totally wild, honeymoon-esque sex complete with lingerie and lack of inhibitions. For a long, out of the country vacation without kids, this can be like honeymoon Part 2: Hedonism.
Disconnected Sex – Despite both parties being ready and willing to fulfill each other’s needs, something is off and can’t quite get connected. You’re either going to fast or two slow, too nice or too rough. It’s like a tangible thing, though neither of you really wants to admit it’s not going great. After it’s over, you both feel somewhat dissatisfied. Definitely falls in the below-average category, and if not corrected can lead to hurt feelings.
Make Up Sex – You’ve just got done clearing the air with the issue at hand. You’re both fired up, finally one of you makes a goofy joke and the tension and anger hopefully deflates and you both laugh about how ridiculous you both were. Taking advantage of the fire still in your hearts, you make the move to let her know that it’s water under the bridge and what’s now on your mind is the water under her bridge. It’s hot and passionate and is a way to say, “I still think I was right, but this is way better than fighting!”
The Debacle Sex – Everything that can goes wrong, goes wrong. Kids come into the bedroom in the middle. The cat is barfing on the blanket. The condom breaks. She’s having pain. You come too quickly. Too much teeth. Unintentional pain. This one sucks. All you can do is laugh at the end of the day (after putting little Johnny to sleep, cleaning up the cat barf, dealing with the possibility of kids, etc.) and hope it all works out. Live to fight another day!
Am I missing any categories? Any stories you’d like to share?
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