How to conquer 10 common bedroom worries for women
By Sarah Jio
Whether you have body image issues, concerns about the way you smell or anxiety about achieving orgasm, sexual hangups can put a damper on desire and leave your sex life less than satisfying—for yourselfand your husband. Here, our experts weigh in on the10 most common sex roadblocks for women and how to get past them.
Hangup #1: Self-Conscious About Having the Lights On
What’s your first instinct before you have sex? If it’s to turn the lights off, you’re not alone, says Debby Herbenick, PhD, author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman's Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction. “Many women are afraid of letting their partner see them naked with the lights on,” she says. But here’s the irony: “Most men love the way their partner looks—and they desperately want to see her naked, stretch marks and all!” Men are visual, she adds, and so keeping the lights off may take away a level of excitement for him.
How to Get Over It: Try a little candlelight or install a dimmer switch in your bedroom, suggests Dr. Herbenick. “Lights with a dimmer switch could be a great do-it-yourself project to suggest to one's husband, too. If he knows what the dimmer switch is for, he may jump on that project right away!”
Hangup #2: Worrying About the Smell—Down There
Any woman who’s heard a joke about female genitals “smelling like fish” may have thought to herself: “Yikes, do I really smell like that?” “Women get uptight about this,” says Tina Tessina, PhD, a psychotherapist and author of The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again. “In addition, if your early background includes information that your sexual parts are ‘dirty,’ it can lead to fears about odor.”
How to Get Over It: “The truth is, even healthy bodies have a scent,” says Dr. Tessina. “This is actually a good thing, because your scent is your pheromones—those hormones that attract men. Yes, vaginal odor can get stronger in the presence of a yeast infection, but if you are healthy and clean, there's no need to worry. Any man who has had sex before is accustomed to the natural scent of sex, and it will even turn him on.”
Hangup #3: Concerns About Passing Gas During Sex
The average woman passes gas 14 times per day. But wait—gasp!—what if it happens during sex? It might, says Dr. Tessina, but don’t let it worry you. “We must never forget that we're human,” she says. “We are going to pass gas, burp and even have ‘vaginal farts,’ which is a noise that can happen if air gets trapped in the vagina during sex.”
How to Get Over It: While you can take precautions like forgoing gassy foods before sex or taking antigas medication, Dr. Tessina suggests another route: “Develop a sense of humor about sex and about your body,” she says. “Sharing a laugh during sex because someone had an 'eruption' can bring the two of you closer.”
Hangup #4: Anxiety About Not Being Able to Please Him
“Women, like men, often get hung up on performance anxiety,” says Dr. Herbenick. Does this feel good to him? Is he having a good time? Is he getting tired of this same old thing I always do?
How to Get Over It: “If a woman is worried that she is bad at something about sex, she might let her partner know about her anxieties by saying something like ‘I want to please you so much and I worry that I'm bad at oral sex’ or ‘I worry that I'm not very adventurous,’” she suggests. “This gives her partner the opportunity to reassure her of the ways that she does please him. Asking explicitly about what's working can help women to feel more reassured and confident about sex.” Luke Vorstermans, a married man in Nova Scotia, Canada, says take heart. “Men are not nearly as complicated as women make them out to be,” he says. “Since we're primarily visual and physical in our sexual expression, we're fairly easy to satisfy. And what really turns us on is when you get turned on. So instead of worrying about what turns us on, get turned on yourself.”
Hangup #5: Fear That He’s Thinking About Past Partners
You’re lying in bed together, but you can’t stop wondering if he’s thinking about his ex. Every woman wonders, but if it’s causing you to worry, try to let it go. Dr. Tessina has some tough love for you: “If they're truly past partners, you've won, you're his choice now, so drop it,” she says. If you keep worrying about it—and bring up the other woman—you may run the risk of damaging your relationship.
How to Get Over It: “If this anxiety creeps up, women should try basic relaxation techniques such as deep breathing to help them re-focus on the present,” says Dr. Herbenick. “Try to reframe these thoughts into more positive statements such as "He chose me" or "We love each other" or "That's the past, this is the present—and we have amazing sex together and an amazing life together." But if your worries persist, you might talk to him about it, says Justice Marshall, a husband and marriage coach in Vancouver, Canada. “There are few things more attractive than a woman who will expose her vulnerability,” he says.
Hangup #6: Worry About Not Being Able to Achieve Orgasm
The theory among sexual health experts: Women worry too much about whether they’ll orgasm or not. “Although it's understandable that many women want to have an orgasm, the irony is that worrying too much about orgasm—and focusing very hard on it—can actually make it more difficult to orgasm,” says Dr. Herbenick.
How to Get Over It: Instead, she says, try focusing on experiencing pleasure during sex. “Then, when you notice emotional or physical sensations that feel pleasurable, you might try to increase or enhance that pleasure, or to focus your attention on those sensations. Over time, by focusing on pleasure, rather than on orgasm as a goal, you may actually find that it becomes easier to orgasm anyway.”
Hangup #7: Concerns About Oral Sex
“Many of my clients still feel uncomfortable receiving and giving their partner oral sex,” says LeslieBeth Wish, EdD, a Florida-based psychologist. She says it boils down to these three reasons: not knowing what to do to please a man, not knowing how to get pleasure from receiving oral sex, or concerns about odor, cleanliness, disease or bodily functions.
How to Get Over It: While it’s not for everyone, Dr. Herbenick likes to encourage women not to be afraid of it, either. “I like to remind women that there is no one way to perform oral sex,” she says. “In fact, in my book I go into detail about this and provide various techniques. For example, some women worry that they must take their partner's entire penis into their mouth. However, there is a range of ways one can perform oral sex on a man. Similarly, there are different positions couples can use for oral sex on a woman.”
Hangup #8: Bringing Negative Thoughts into the Bedroom
Women commonly get distracted by negative thoughts in the bedroom, says Dr. Herbenick. “They may tell themselves that they are unattractive, that they've gained weight, that they're upset with their partner or that orgasm is always hard,” she says. “But one thing we know from research is that when women practice reframing negative sex self-talk into positive sex self-talk, they can actually enhance their sexual experience and response.”
How to Get Over It: Silence your inner critic! So your husband didn’t do the dishes after dinner—for the third night in a row—let it go! “Positive self-talk can help to enhance women's arousal as well as their ease of orgasm,” she says.
Hangup #9: Being Too Ticklish
He touches you, but instead of feeling pleasure, you feel like giggling because you’re ticklish. Don’t let this spoil the mood, says Dr. Herbenick. Instead, try to train him to touch you in the right way.
How to Get Over It: “If a woman has very sensitive spots, she should let her partner know to use a different type of touch,” she says. Next time you’re feeling sensitive to his touch, suggest a gentle but firm touch, rather than a light touch, which can sometimes unleash a tickly feeling—especially when you’re just warming up.
Hangup #10: Vaginal Dryness
You’re turned on, so why do you feel so dry? Vaginal dryness can be concerning to a woman, says Dr. Herbenick. And while it may go hand-in-hand with breastfeeding or menopause, sometimes you may just have drier days. It doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you.
How to Get Over It: The solution, she says, is a good bottle of water-based lubricant stashed in the bedside table. “I like Good Clean Love, which is made with organic ingredients and is condom- and diaphragm-compatible,” she says.
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