How To Divorce An Abusive Husband!

The mental part of abuse is insidious. If your husband is abusive, you don't have to have his permission to get divorced. What you have to do is learn to separate his put-downs and control from reality, be very careful of your own physical and mental safety, and be prepared to give up some security.

1. Tell your husband that you have the right to your own choices.

2. Think about where you want to go and what you want to do. Have a plan. It's not wrong to have dreams and believe you're worth having a good life. Break it down into manageable steps: the short term (getting away safely) and the longer term (getting a decent job, whatever...).

3. Find a shelter or women's center with people who can counsel you discreetly. Some places will help you even if you have children, but most will at least be conduits to other agencies who can help. They may be able to put you onto Legal Aid sources who can get you a lawyer. They will know about job training programs if you need one. They may be able to help with childcare or a transitional residence where you'll be away and safe.

4. Prepare without telling your husband or anyone who might tell him. Be smart enough to not even give him subtle clues. Don't circle the shelter's phone number and leave it by the phone! If you look up a place online, be sure to delete it from your History file before you log off.

5. Get counseling. The shelter/­women's centers will have leads on that too. When you're abused, your self-esteem is so wrecked that your reasoning is flawed. You need to listen to someone who knows about such things and be prepared to take their advice. Sure, even those people make mistakes sometimes, but you must learn to put your own welfare #1 on the list and that means letting go of what the abuser has "sold" you to keep you under his thumb. Don't let him take over your life.

6. Remember that this is YOUR life that is at stake. If he's physically abusive, it's well established that the levels of violence will escalate. Sure, he promises it will never happen again, and you have a nice time for a bit, but the cycles ALWAYS repeat themselves. After a beating you might end up permanently scarred or brain-damaged or maimed or even dead. What use will his promises be then? If you are unsure if you will be safe when you leave you can request a protective order from the court. This is an order that states that your spouse cannot be within a certain distance from you and potentially your children. You should contact the local police department or county attorney's office to find out how to apply. You will need proof of violence, though your sworn statement of past events will generally work. But just like his promise, a protective order may not protect you. While you can call the police if he violates the order and they will help you, if he decides to violate the order it might be too late. Promises and paper should never substitute for common sense.